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Jan gives Michael the task of picking a new and inexpensive health care plan, but to avoid giving bad news to his employees, he asks Jim to pick a plan. He, in turn, suggests that Dwight be put in charge and Dwight accepts wholeheartedly, setting up a temporary workspace in the meeting room.

Michael hides out in his office as Dwight picks a plan that cuts practically all benefits, but Jim and Pam confront him to change it. Michael gets caught by the employees after he goes to the bathroom and he tells Dwight to alter his plan. He also guarantees the office a surprise at the end of the day, even though he doesn't know what it may be. Dwight hands out anonymous illness forms as Michael leaves the office to find a surprise, but fails on possible trips to Atlantic City and a coal mine. When Jim and Pam write false and imaginary diseases on their forms, Dwight demands to interview every employee to find out who is responsible.

Dwight tries to interview Jim on the false diseases, but Jim ends up locking Dwight in the meeting room. Dwight calls Jan to try to get permission to fire Jim and Jan finds out that Michael passed along his health care plan duties. Michael returns with ice cream sandwiches as his surprise, but when Stanley claims it to be a lame reward, Michael promises that the surprise is still coming. Dwight reads the diseases aloud to find out which are real, with embarrassing results. He finally picks a plan that eliminates benefits to the point where Oscar likens it to a pay decrease. The employees wait for Michael's surprise, which he awkwardly never delivers.

• The Scene in which Jim locks Dwight in his "workspace" is taken almost directly from a scene in the U.K. Office Christmas special in which Tim locks Gareth in his office.

Michael: Pam! Pamela! Pamalama-ding-dong. Making copies.
Pam: I’m not making any copies.

Michael: The most sacred thing I do is care. And provide. For my workers. My family. I give them money. I give them food. Not … directly, but through the money. I … heal them. Today I am in charge of picking a great new healthcare plan. Right? That’s what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um … yes, in way. Yeah, like a specialist.

Jim: Last night, on Trading Spouses, there’s … have you seen it?
Pam: No, I have a life.
Jim: Interesting. What’s that like?
Pam: You should try it sometime.
Jim: Wow … but then who would watch my TV?

Jim: Any time Michael asks me to do anything, I just tell him that Dwight should do it. Right now, this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company, then this would be my career. And uh … well, if this were my career, I’d have to throw myself in front of a train.

Dwight: Okay, first, let’s go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?

Dwight: In the wild, there is no healthcare. In the wild, heathcare is ow, I hurt my leg, I can’t run, a lion eats me, and I’m dead. Well, I’m not dead. I’m the lion. You’re dead.

Michael: I gotta go, I’m getting a call.
Pam: No you’re not.

Michael: Oh, god, here we go again, gotta go, I have to take this…
Pam: Still no one calling.

Dwight: Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam: Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?
Dwight: So I can lower it.

Oscar: He literally won’t come out of his office.
Kevin: He’s gotta come out sometime. (Grins) To go to the bathroom.
Angela: Kevin! That’s inappropriate.

Pam: I’m inventing new diseases.
Jim: Oh great.
Pam: So like, let’s say that my teeth turn to liquid …
Jim: Mmm-hmm.
Pam: … and then, they drip down the back of my throat, what would you call that?
Jim: I thought you said you were inventing diseases. That’s spontaneous dental hydroplosion.
Pam: Oh … nice.
Jim: Thank you.

Dwight: Alright, who did this? I’m not mad. I just want to know who did it so I can punish them.

Jim: How do you know that they’re fake?
Dwight (reading forms): Uh, leprosy? Flesh-eating bacteria. Hot dog fingers. Government-created killer nano robot infection. You did this, didn’t you.
Jim: Absolutely not.

Jim: Killer nano robots?
Pam: It’s an epidemic.

Dwight: Count Choculitis.
Jim: Whew, sounds tough.
Dwight: Why did you write that down, Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?
Jim: Do you?

Dwight: I have tried to treat you all as adults, but obviously, I am the only adult here. Number one: inverted penis.
Meredith: Could you mean vagina? Because if you do, I want that covered.
Dwight: I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy.
Meredith: A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.

Dwight: Who wrote this, this hysterical one … anal fissures.
Kevin: That’s a real thing.
Dwight: Yeah, but no one here has it.
Kevin: Someone has it.

Michael: When I am backed into a corner, that is when I come alive. See I learned improv from the greats, like um, Drew Carey, and Ryan Stiles …

Michael: … Robin Williams, oh man, would I love to go head-to-head with him! Oh, that would be exciting, hi, uh, I’m Mork from Ork. Well I’m, I’m Bork from Spork. Nanu nanu! Zippity bloo bloo!